Purging of Emotions - Cleansing of the Soul

Pogssz - Also a King
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Pogssz

Friday, January 01, 2010

There are times...

My first blog for 2010. Here it goes...

More than a year ago, it was a complete confusion. I was facing two options: to keep a friendship that I absolutely value in my life, or to take that friendship to another level. In all the confusion, one thing was for sure, I don't want to lose her.

Four years in college, I can safely say that I really know her as much as she knows me. We talk about anything and everything-- the trivial, the serious, the humorous, the senseless, just about anything. I know who I was in her life, and I can easily say who she was in mine. We were friends.

I was always the bestfriend, never the boyfriend. I'm used to that, no regrets or whatsoever, I guess that was just me. Growing up, I was always one of the girls. I can say that I have not yet pictured myself playing the boyfriend role.

Faced with my dilemma, OUR dilemma I mean, I had to make a decision. I decided to take the second option. We took the relationship to the next step. We became more than just friends, but partners.

The fear was always there. The what if's never ceased to resurface. The maybe's have to be dealt with as well. But above all these, we did our best to stay happy. I have to admit that it was never a walk in the park. Keeping the relationship alive was bittersweet. We struggled. We strived. We stayed together.

There were issues-- countless issues. We always try to resolve them, but sometimes they demand more from us. There were times that we almost gave-up, but it was always this that kept us together-- we are happy with each other. The relationship is getting stronger. The root grows deeper. We are growing as individuals and as partners.

But there are times of doubts. Right now, I am struggling. I am VERY happy and satisfied with how we are right now, but sometimes... you just. There are time I feel inadequate. There are times that I want to speak but choose to keep silent. There are times I just wish I am free(er).

It will be unfair to her if I say she has taken my freedom. Sometimes, it is just my decision to let go of this freedom I once had. There are things that I want to do but choose not to, cause I don't want another argument. There are times I just choose to withdraw myself to be fair with her. Sure, I can do without those things, but sometimes you just miss them.

I want to spend uninterrupted time for my faith without having to think of texting her or updating her.

I want to go out with my high-school friends again.

I want to watch games on my own.

I want time for myself.

I want more rest.

I want this.

I want that.

She is not prohibiting me from doing these things, but I choose not to, because it will spark another fight. Sure, I can do without them, all for the sake of having a harmonious relationship.

I just had to let this out. Sometimes I just feel it's unfair. I guess that is just how life is.

Pogssz
8:25 AM | 0 Comment

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About the Blogger

I'm an Orcom Major, trying to cope with all the stress life is offering right now. Studying at UP is really stressful, especially when you're surrounded by really good students, and I really mean GOOD. But being in a degree program which is known by a very few number of people is MORE stressful.

"Ano yung orcom?"
"MassComm ba yun?"
"None-quota course yun diba?"

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!

I'm really tired of answering those type of questions, and don't dare to say orGcom in front of me! because it's ORCOM! orGcom is the course in the green school, its ORCOM for us! By the way, this course originated in UP-Manila here in the Philippines, then some "other" school noticed how the degree program produced AMAZING alumni and decided to also offer the course in their school. For the benefit of those people who are really bothered of what Organizational Communication is, well it's "the process of creating and exchanging messages within a network of interdependent relationships to cope with environmental uncertainties." (Goldhaber, 1990)

Enough about my course. I am also a frustrated musician. It has always been my dream to play the harp, the violin, or the saxophone, but I guess they would always remain to be dreams. Most of the time, I'm a jolly person, I don't even think that making friends is very hard at all. (Wow yabang ko! kala mo maraming friends)

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